Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It was confusing and full of hummus
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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