i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
