Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
