if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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