Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
