Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
