we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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