so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
