There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
