I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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