i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
