You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
