I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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