another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
