This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
