OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
