I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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