tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
