I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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