Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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