guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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