My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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