I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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