take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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