I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
