I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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