Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
