so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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