In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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