my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
