I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it was like eating out sand paper
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Green mimosas i think yes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
