Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
