I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
