i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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