good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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