youre lurking in front of me
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
