don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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