when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.