well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dating After Heartbreak
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax