Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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