I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
