i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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