A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
