Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
