super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
