Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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