Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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