tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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