Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
