I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
