I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
