I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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