i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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