It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
