You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Randomize
