ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
