no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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