True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
3pm strippers are depressing
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
