Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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