You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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