Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
